What if his firsts are my lasts?

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Five years ago today, I excitedly posted to Facebook that I was expecting a baby. I was thrilled. I couldn’t wait to see who this little person was who was growing inside me. I had hoped for a girl but just wanted a happy baby at the end of the day. I got my wish and doted over Princess Peach. She made me a mom and in turn was my little dolly.

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Just over 3 years ago, I announced that Princess Peach would be a big sister. We were adding to our ever-growing perfect little family.

I have this memory of being pregnant with Little Dude. It was near the end of my pregnancy, and he was moving up a storm in my belly. At night it was “our” time when I was lying quietly on the couch I would watch my belly move and rub him. I remember thinking to myself at how amazing my body is to grow another human.  I’ve said this before that I have always planned on having three kids. Still today, my heart feels that I’m meant to have three kids yet I don’t know if it’ll happen anymore. 

last pregnancy picture of me

last pregnancy picture of me

 I often think the devastation of potentially not having my third baby is worse than having cancer. I’m sure it’s hard for people who haven’t been in my shoes to understand but It’s killing a dream. And when you are 34, coming to terms that the family that you thought you would have most likely won’t happen is heart breaking.

Two weeks ago, we celebrated Little Dude’s half birthday. It wasn’t a huge celebration. It was just the four of us and a cake because what’s a celebration without cake?! I was a little emotional on Sunday reminiscing at how quickly he is growing up. How both my kids are growing up.

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And I started to think. What if his first are my lasts? What if I will never have another little baby to call my own? Did these milestones pass me by? Did I savour them enough and embrace them while they were happening? Did I truly appreciate each stage?

So now, I wonder what if his firsts are  my lasts?

The first time he smiled.

The first time he rolled over.

The first time he cooed at us.

The first time he laughed.

The first time he sat up unassisted.

The first time he tried food.

The first time he slept through the night.

The first time he stood up.

The first time he scooted (backwards)

His first word

His first steps

His first Halloween

His first Chanukah

His first birthday

His first day of daycare

His first friends

His first temper tantrum

The first time he said “I love you”

The time he sang in a school concert.

The first time he peed in the toilet

And more………..

I will never get those moments back but I am so happy to be here and have experienced with them with both of my kids. As I have learned the future is unpredictable. Anything can happen. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but can’t help but be emotional thinking about his firsts potentially being my lasts.

Comments

  1. Julia says:

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer when my son was just over a year old. The plans was to have another baby when he started school, he was supposed to be a big brother. Funny enough, we just got the registration for kindergarten last week which brought up a whole host of emotions. I have no idea if getting pregnant will even be possible, let alone if we want to go down this path again- it’s hard for me not to separate cancer and pregnancy even though the doctor said that they were not related. You captured the emotional struggle so beautifully with your question “What if his first are my lasts?”. Thank you for sharing and please know that you are not alone. Best, j

    • mscmommylife says:

      Thanks for sharing Julia. I find most people don’t understand because they don’t have the uncertainty like we do with cancer. My doctor said if I continue to stay healthy he would support me being pregnant, but again I don’t know if that’s something I’m willing to do. Only time will tell. Best to you!

  2. peady says:

    Ouf! Right in the feels with this post. :(

    I hope you embrace each and every first as they continue to come along (there are SO many!). The future’s not ours to see (Que Sera.. Sera), it is true. But! You are here now and now is a good thing to remain focussed on.

    I am sorry you feel sad and uncertain. I am glad you are *here* to feel those things.

    It’s not easy.

    • mscmommylife says:

      I’m happy I’m here too!!! I know there are so many firsts still to come but I don’t won’t experience them again with a baby.

  3. Alyssa says:

    You still have many firsts to experience as your children grow up and grow into different stages. Enjoy them! :)

  4. Becky says:

    My baby is 16 and I remember knowing beyond doubt she was our last (she was our 3rd) and with that knowledge I watched all of her firsts knowing they were my last. She had another first last year at the age of 15. She went to school for the very first time without an older brother or sister to go with her. She is having Firsts at 15. Who knew?

  5. krista lalonde says:

    his firsts are my last. i had an emergency hysterectomy during child birth. my mom tells me that she thinks he’s going to have such a big personality
    that it’ll feel like there’s multiples

  6. I have only one child. The plan was always to have 2, but that was taken away from us in an instant because of another person’s mistake or poor choice – we were in a car crash when our daughter was 5 months old. It wasn’t a severe crash, but it was enough that it took literally 4 years before our (adult) bodies were back to being mostly pain-free and the majority of the anxiety and depression had been treated. Her firsts are my onlys, and what’s worse, many of them were shrouded with emotional and physical pain and I know I missed out on so many moments of joy because of my personal suffering. I remember a lot of good moments, lots of firsts that I was absolutely completely present for. I also remember a lot of aggravation being directed at her that wasn’t necessary, wasn’t her fault. I was not, and still am not, the mother I wanted to be. And it was through no fault of my own; that was all taken away from me, from us. My daughter is old enough that she understands siblings, and she is the only one of the many kids she knows who is an only child. I can’t describe how much my heart breaks just thinking about our plans, and having her say she wishes she had a sibling just adds to it.

    I’m not trying to make anyone feel guilty for having more than one child, just sharing that I feel your pain.

    • mscmommylife says:

      Hi Melissa. My daughter also asks for another sibling. Even though she does have one, it stings. Obviously, they don’t understand because they are so young but I so understand the heartbreak about asking for a sibling. Thank your for sharing your experience and I wish you only healthy, wonderful moments ahead.

  7. elaine says:

    Our fourth was an unplanned blessing and a joy in our family. But since we had “planned” to have three children, I was already lamenting my third child’s firsts and my lasts when I found out I was pregnant. Now my youngest is almost two years old and, except by a miracle, truly my last. It is bittersweet to watch him grow up.

  8. Kiko says:

    Your post made me cry like a baby. I had my son at 39, and we always thought we’d have another quickly after but as life would have it – it was not meant to be. I was blessed twice more to lose both. So, I know that everything he does, are his firsts and my last and it saddens me. God Bless!

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