Time. That’s all I want.

Time. 

It’s a funny thing. 

There are times in my life when time seems to be inching along painfully slow. 

Then other times when time is going by so quickly that I wish I had a pause button to stop so could really savour the moment(s). 

There’s a quote by Buddha that says “The trouble is, you think you have time” which sums up perfectly what I’m about to say. 

I pretty much was living a pretty standard storybook kind-of-life. I met this guy, we dated, moved in together, got engaged, got married, had a daughter, bought a house, then had a son.

Until cancer came and interrupted everything

Prior to my first diagnosis at 33, I thought I was invincible. I had never dealt with death or sickness of someone in my immediate family. Being sick and dying wasn’t on my radar or ever in my thoughts.

I assumed I had all the time in the world. 

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My husband and I would talk about all the exciting things we would do once we retired. Work hard, save lots of money and then when we were in our 60′s we planned to enjoy it. We would dream about all the big trips that we would go on and enjoy. 

Well life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you when you least expect them and that’s what happened to me. That curve ball went flying so fast and hard at me when I got my terminal Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis. This is NOT something that a young “healthy” woman at 36 would expect to  have to deal with, right?

I’ve now been living with Metastatic Breast Cancer for 21 months now and there’s one thing I want: Time.

I want more time to spend and mother my children.

I want more time to spend with my husband.

I want more time to spend hanging out with family. 

I want more time to spend laughing with my friends

I want more time to travel around the world

I want to be around for more holidays.

I want to be around for more school pick ups and more extra-curricular activities

I want more time to cheer on my daughter her dance competitions

I want more time to go to my sons hockey games

I want more time to go and see musicals

 I want to be around to enjoy more coffee dates by the lake

I want to be around to enjoy lots of ice cream

I want to be around to see the seasons change

I want to be around to see a new year

Really, my list could go on and on. 

But at the same time, I want less of something else because I don’t want the time that I have to be filled with it. And that’s bullshit. I have no time for anyone else’s BS. Don’t play games with me. Don’t waste my time. Don’t pretend to want to do things with me. Don’t fake caring. Don’t lie to me. If I piss you off, tell me. I can see through it all and my limited time is just too precious.

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A few weeks ago, Little Dude walked across the stage and graduated from Kindergarten. I was beaming in the audience and so proud of him. Sure, it’s only kindergarten but knowing the statistics I know about my disease and its progression, this most likely was the only one of his graduations I will ever attend.

And that’s heartbreaking.

So that’s why all I want it more time. 

More time to be here. Physically here 

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And now I’m going to quote my favourite musical RENT because this is how I’m trying to live my life and enjoy my time

“There is no future. There is no past. I live each moment as my last. There’s only us, there’s only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. Not other road. No other way. NO DAY BUT TODAY“ 

Comments

  1. Sophie says:

    Never been good at BS which is probably why we laugh as much a month ago than 16 years ago! And I seriously need to see Rent somehow somewhere (next NY date?).

  2. Deborah Coombs says:

    Keeping you in my prayers. XO

  3. Ashley says:

    I’m 31 with a 1 and 3 yr old, just got diagnosed in may with hodgkins lymphoma cancer, did my 1st chemo last week. Been following you since you went to Ellen show in Toronto your a inspiration. Keep fighting for time

  4. Sheila Sheen says:

    I was very moved by this story. Time is all we have. Make the most of it.

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