The Never-ending Battle

A snuggle after breastfeeding Little Dude

A snuggle after breastfeeding Little Dude

Breastfeeding.

That’s my never-ending battle. With both of my kids it hasn’t been easy.

When I was pregnant with Princess Peach there was no doubt in my mind that I would breast feed. I didn’t even buy a bottle, formula or anything related to bottle feeding prior to her arrival. Why would I? I would give birth, she would latch and then she would eat. THE END.

WRONG

Very, very, very wrong.

I’ve talked about my issue with her breastfeeding. You can read about it here. But the guilt I felt about not breastfeeding her haunted me for months. The looks I would get from other moms when I pulled out a bottle or the questions I would get about why I was bottle feeding were hurtful and continually surprised me. Maybe I was a little sensitive to it because I felt like I had failed or maybe our generation judges mothers who give their child a bottle for one of many reasons. When a mother pulls out a bottle an explanation should not have to be provided to anyone and everyone around them.

When I was pregnant with Little Dude. I didn’t feel very strongly about either. I know all the current campaigns about “breast is best” but Princess Peach is fabulous and she drank formula. So¬† I felt if breastfeeding didn’t work out I would just switch to a bottle.

When I was in the recovery room after having Little Dude, I tried breastfeeding quite quickly after his birth. It worked. He latched immediately. It was like he was a natural. I felt great. He was happy. All was good.

So I continued.

I introduced a bottle of formula at around 3 weeks as I needed some respite and wanted him to be able to be left with anyone if there’s an emergency or if The Hubster and I go out (ha…like that’ll ever happen!)

Then the pain started. The horrible, shooting, burning pain in my breast tissue. I was in so much pain. I saw 3 doctors (one in the ER) and 2 different lactation consultants. I was convinced that my pain was a breast tissue yeast infection. I knew I was right yet these professional were convinced otherwise. One told me to just do skin-on-skin. The ER doctor told me that her kids would be dead if it weren’t for formula and another doctor told me to use cream and over time the pain would go away.

But it didn’t. It continued. Finally, after 3 weeks of grinding my teeth every time Little Dude latched on a doctor believed me and diagnosed me with a breast tissue yeast infection. You can’t see it on me or Little Dude. I just feel the awful, terrible pain. Once the pain subsided everything was great and breastfeeding is working for us fabulously. We are going strong after 4 months!

Why didn’t I give up and switch to formula? I’m not sure. I think part of me wants breastfeeding to work out but also because Little Dude seems to LOVE it. He loves nestling into me and likes to hold my hand while he eats. Maybe partly because it didn’t work with Princess Peach that a little part of me wants it to work out with him.

The one thing I often feel conflicted about is that many woman feel this “feeling” when they breastfeed. I don’t feel anymore bonded to Little Dude while I breastfeed him than I did to when I bottle fed Princess Peach. I don’t feel an overwhelming love of breastfeeding. I don’t love it and I’m not sure I even like it. At the end of the day I’m happy that I am able to nourish Little Dude. I’m happy it’s now working and I’m happy the cost is free. Other than that, it’s just food to me.

Breastfeeding is my battle and for now I’m winning.

Comments

  1. Vida Marie says:

    I didn’t nurse my first child because she had medical issues, but pumped so she was fed breastmilk for a year. With my second, I was excited to nurse because I didn’t with my first and was eager to experience all the bonding I’d heard so much about from others. But I have to say that I too did not feel this extra bonding from nursing. After a month, I switched to pumping for the stability and convenience. Me and my munchkin are close as ever and he’s still benefitting from all the nutritional value of breastmilk.

    • mscmommylife says:

      I’m glad to hear that other mothers feel the same way about not feeling that extra bonding feeling during nursing. I try to pump but don’t always have time to because I’m usually alone with my kids.

  2. Erin says:

    I just didn’t produce enough milk and my son was not interested at all….so I had to bottle feed. I was so beat up about it. When it comes dowb to it as long as your child is eatin and growing your doing your job right!

  3. I’m totally with you.. I don’t feel a special bond but I am comfortable breastfeeding and have been fortunate enough to be able to pump and store a supply for being out and about!

    • mscmommylife says:

      I’m glad to hear I’m not alone with not feeling a bond. Pumping and storing is awesome as it gives us moms a break!

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