Cancer plays mind games

 

mind games

I think I’m a pretty positive person. I would say that 95 % of the time I’m positive. Positive about me getting through treatments. Positive about me kicking cancer’s ass. Positive about me being around for a really, really long time. The other 5% of the time (which I try not to focus on) my brain lets cancer play mind games. Some days no matter how hard I try to block them out, the negative, worrisome, and anxiety provoking thoughts creep into my mind and stay there. These thoughts aren’t nice and frankly they aren’t good. The negative thoughts that creep into my head usually don’t focus on me ever getting sicker or having a recurrence. These nasty thoughts focus on my husband and my kids. What would happen to them if I wasn’t around.

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When I was diagnosed Little Dude was 20 months old and Princess Peach was 3.5 years old. My biggest fear at that time was should something ever happen to me, they wouldn’t remember me. They wouldn’t remember what I looked like, what I smelled like, what my voice sounded like. They wouldn’t remember what favourite meals I made them, what stories we read together, what games we played and what songs I sang to them at bedtime.

The time in between my diagnosis and starting my treatments I taped everything, wrote letters and took a million pictures of everything and nothing at the same time.

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Should anything happen to me, I worry about those mundane moments that my kids won’t remember with me. Those little things like doing Princess Peach’s hair for ballet, cuddling on the couch watching Paw Patrol with Little Dude, picking them up from school, giving them a kiss before they go to bed and sneaking into their room to watch them sleep. These little things that don’t really mean a lot in the moment but mean the world to me now.

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I worry about The Hubster having the burden of raising our children by himself. That no matter how much daddy loves his kids he cannot replace their mother. That when May rolls around and it’s Mother’s Day and they are to make a gift for their mom, what would happen then?

It’s moments when I get a headache that I worry now is it really a headache or has the cancer spread? What if the chemotherapy, surgery, radiation and tamoxifen all don’t do their jobs? What if it comes back? What if it has spread and I don’t know until it’s too late? What if?

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Cancer does crazy things to your mind. It’s like being screwed with all the time.  It’s the fear. The unknown. The what if’s. The holes that would be left in my loved ones hearts. The me missing out and not being there for major milestones. Birthdays, camp send-offs, dance recitals, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. Those are all things that I want to do. I always planned on doing.

So on those days when cancer messes with me, it’s hard to push it back. But I do. I remind myself that I’m here now and have to make memories today and not worry about tomorrow because sadly there are no guarantees for anyone.

Comments

  1. Renee…. tears are streaming down. I totally get it. I often have the same worries and fears, and I don’t have cancer. It’s a crazy thing being a parent, and these crazy mind games are a part of it. But I know in my heart of hearts that you will get to see your kids walk down the aisle one day, and get to hold your beautiful grandchildren (behezrat hashem). Love your positive energy and outlook on life, and it’s totally normal and OKAY to have some negative thoughts once in a while too. You’re human, right? xoxo

  2. Michelle says:

    Beautiful Renee. You remind people to
    Love and Live Today.

  3. Darlene S. says:

    aww sweetie… you are after all… a human. .. a warrior, but still human.

    it’s okay to be afraid <3

  4. mom2michael says:

    So well said. And as Maya says, even without cancer these thoughts come, but with a cancer diagnosis they have to be so much stronger. I’m glad you say it’s only 5% though – you are rocking these treatments and getting through. In the home stretch now my friend, and it’s onwards and upwards :) xo

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